Tuesday March 30, 2010

Guess your wondering how it all started with married man, we work in the same office, it started out innocently enough, I found him attractive but it was no secret he was married,I honestly didn't give him a thought, I was dating someone at the time, and boy did I have my hands full with him, I had been dating Jacob for about 2years on and off, more off then on, it was a long distance relationship but we had chemistry and when he came into town we always ended up in bed and by the time he had to go back we always ended up fighting, I knew it wasn't healthy but at times it felt good to be with him. Like I said, I never gave "M" too much thought really, the connection came in later and that's when the trouble begin.

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Monday March 29, 2010

My parents taught me right from wrong, I grew up in a big loving family, one brother (the oldest ) and four sisters, plus me the youngest. My parents had a loving marriage and my life growing up was normal. I kept trying to find the justification on why I let things get out of hand with "M" I feel like such a hypocrite, I was cheated on by a past boyfriend and I know what it feels like, the feelings of being hurt and the betrayal but still it wasn't enough for me to stop, I can't think when he is around,it's like when you are dieting and you know you shouldn't go to the party because you know their will be cake, you love cake and the whole time you are keep telling yourself, you don't need cake,it doesn't look that good anyway, you're better off without it and right when you are ready to walk away someone asks you if you want cake.It's the best you'll ever have,Bavarian cream your favorite and you can't resist it, you smell it, look at it and it has to be yours no turning back , you take the first bite and your done, a goner,you have to have cake, you crave it, you need it,want it, and it's like cake it's always around and it looks good, smells good, and taste good, how am I supposed to deny myself cake?

Dear Joy

Sunday March 28,2010

So your probably wondering why my life is such a mess. well before I tell you my story I have to tell you what leads up to it ,and I need to start with the person I used to be, the person I was proud to be, I want, need to be again, the one with the "Good Karma" I am a firm believer in reincarnation I know, I feel I have walked this earth many times over, I think we keep coming back after we die to correct past mistakes, I think that is why for some reason we have a really strong connection to some people and why we may truly dislike someone for know apparent reason. I think that is why I am so drawn to "M' the married man and why he was so attracted to me, totally past life. I think it was unfinished in our past life so it's back this lifetime. The feeling of our spiritual connection it is so powerful, it feels like half of you is missing until you feel him inside you not sexually speaking but emotionally like when he touches me, it's hot to the touch I feel like I am on fire and when he looks at me I feel I can't breath, I feel suffocated by this connection and it sickens me and scares me yet I need it, I need him. I feel dirty and guilty and yet I can't escape him. Can't have, can't let go. Love is not supposed to hurt like this, it's supposed to feel good, make you happy, giddy, not obsessive, moody, or emotional. How come I know this, preach this and not get it myself?

Dear Joy

Saturday March 27, 2010

Here I am 33 and a complete mess, I'm spinning out of control, I have all the answers a for others but I can't seem to follow my own advice. See I used to have it all together, I was single, happy, independent and I let my guard down, I let myself go there to him, the one person I have secretly loved for months, the man with the wife, the baby and a mortgage. The one I secretly love, wait did I say that already? See I am an absolute mess!!